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  • Europe English

    The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

    As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

    In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

    By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

    After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!


    Europe English

     

  • A rind is a terrible thing to taste.

    The man of the house was mixing a martini, and a kitten was studying every action intently. She watched him take the ice from the freezer. She followed the ice to the glass. She helped him measure out the liquor and stared at the ritual of the spearing of the olives.

    Suddenly, a lemon twist slipped from his hands and flew across the kitchen. The kitten couldn't believe her luck. She got there first. She bit into the yellow twist before the man could stop her, certain of a wonderful treat these humans enjoy.

    The kitten's face screwed up as she spit out the bitter rind.

    "Aha," said the mixologist," so you have learned: A rind is a terrible thing to taste."

  • One very successful businessman..

    One very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

    The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law.

    "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

    "I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

    "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

    "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

  • "HELP WANTED"

    A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

    A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

    Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

    The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

    The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

    The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

  • DeNephew.

    The Un-Associated Press reported in a news bulletin today that a pregnant woman who has been in a coma for nine months following an automobile accident has given birth to twins, a baby girl and a baby boy. Awakening from her coma and learning that she had given birth to twins, she asked if names had already been given to them.

    "Yes," her doctor informed her, "because we didn't know if you would ever come out of the coma, your brother Henry gave them their names."

    "Oh dear God," the woman moaned, "my brother, Henry, is the family idiot. What in the world did he name them?"

    "He named the baby girl Denise," answered the physician.

    "Well, that's not so bad," the woman replied. "What did he name the baby boy?" The physician responded regretfully, "DeNephew."

  • Three expectant mothers

    Three expectant mothers were sitting in the obstetrician's waiting room. Two of the ladies began to chat about their pregnancies, and their due dates and such.

    One of the women said to the other, "I happen to know that my baby is going to be a boy, because when my baby was conceived, my husband was on top."

    Replied the other woman, "Oh! That must mean that I'm going to have a girl, because when my baby was conceived, I was on top."

    The third woman suddenly burst noisily into tears. Concerned, the other two ladies turned to her and asked, "My heavens, what ever is wrong?"

    The third woman wailed tearfully, "I'm afraid that I may be having a puppy!"

  • Talks Too Much

    A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men.

    He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day.

    His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

    Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"

  • The Wife

    A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

    After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

    "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

    "Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

    "If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

    On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

    "He said you're going to die," she replied.

  • A woman's seminars

    New Summer Seminars for Women

    The Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There

    Life Beyond Shoes

    Money, The Non-Renewable Resource

    How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour

    Why Men Don't Like Any Of Your Friends

    How To Be A Victim Of Marketing

    How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man

    Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World

    How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag

    Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits

    Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection

    Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks

    Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse

    Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking

    How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother

    Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart

    Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper

    How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking

    Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions

    Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection

    When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You

    How To Keep 'Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel

    Talking And Driving: There's Got To Be A Way

  • Funny "women seeking men" classifieds


    40-ish means: 48

    Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will

    Affectionate means: Possessive

    Artist means: Unreliable

    Average looking means: You figure this one out

    Beautiful means: Pathological liar

    Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!

    Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise

    Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin

    Educated means: College dropout

    Emotionally Secure means: Medicated

    Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

    Enjoys art and opera means: Snob

    Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola

    Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian

    Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street

    Free spirit means: Substance abuser

    Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut

    Fun means: Annoying

    Gentle means: Comatose

    Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her

    Humorous means: Caustic

    Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn't count

    In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills

    Light drinker means: Lush

    Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light

    Loves Travel means: If you're paying

    Loves Animals means: Cat lady

    Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement

    Open-minded means: Desperate

    Outgoing means: Loud

    Passionate means: Loud

    Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic

    Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle

    Reliable means: Frumpy

    Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out

    Romantic means: Looks better by candle light

    Self-employed means: Jobless

    Smart means: Insipid

    Special means: Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windows

    Spiritual means: Involved with a cult

    Stable means: Boring

    Tall, thin means: Anorexic

    Tan means: Wrinkled

    Wants Soulmate means: One step away from stalking

    Widow Nagged means: first husband to death

    Writer means: Pompous

    Young at heart means: How about the rest

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